


Username Loverboy

by chasing_the_sterek



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Artistic Lance, Baking, Bets & Wagers, Cookies, Deals, Eventual Keith/Lance (Voltron), Fluff, Group chat, Hunk and Lance are roomies, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, It's 3AM, Keith and Shiro are Adoptive Siblings, Keith can't cook, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance can cook, Lance skateboards everywhere, Like, M/M, Noodles, PINING KEITH, SO SORRY, Slow Burn, Socially Awkward Keith (Voltron), TA Shiro, THE HTML IS FIXED PEOPLE CELEBRATE, apart from me, art is very very welcome but be forewarned ill cry over it, at all, but he should really be the teacher lbr, evEN MORE COOKIES, i really need to sort out the html in this but im on my phone so it'd take ages, im just, im pretty sure it's gonna be slow burn anyway ive never written something with that tag before help, im sorry, imma wait until i get my laptop and i can do it in like 3 seconds, keith is only mentioned in the first chapter, nobody's dating in the beginning, sad momma: deeply saddened, shiro is a TA, stir fry, the issue with the html is only small anyway who cares, the whole first chapter is just, they're both idiots lmao, trash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 05:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8611060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasing_the_sterek/pseuds/chasing_the_sterek
Summary: i woke up like this: I think I might remember the recipe thoi woke up like this: I mean ive watched him make them so many times that has to count for something rightex-friend: all in favour of recreating hunks cookies without hunk say ayei woke up like this: ayeex-friend: ayehunk-a-lovin: this is a terrible idea and you're both going to burn the dorms downhunk-a-lovin: just putting that on recordi woke up like this: o ye of little faith////Lance may or may not have a crush on the guy who lives across the hall in the dorms. It's debatable.





	1. Group Chats And Cookies

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this pretty much all in one go so idk how this went but here have it anyway

**i woke up like this:** hey

 **i woke up like this:** hey guys

 **i woke up like this:** look whose class got cancelled

 **smol nerd:** you fucker

 **i woke up like this:** ayyyyyyyy

 **smol nerd:** how come we don't get cancelled classes, hunk???

 **hunk-a-lovin:** idk

 **hunk-a-lovin:** whats the excuse this time

 **i woke up like this:** he got mad he couldn't find a parking space so he just drove home lmao

 **smol nerd:** dude

 **hunk-a-lovin:** dude

 **smol nerd:** does your english teacher even care abt your grades

 **i woke up like this:** p sure he doesnt

 **hunk-a-lovin:** tell us, o lucky one

 **hunk-a-lovin:** what is that like

 **i woke up like this:** not gonna lie it's actually kinda boring

 **i woke up like this:** hes come in like 3 times since the start of this year

 **i woke up like this:** total

 **i woke up like this:** you're just left to do fend for yourself

 **smol nerd:** sink or swim style, huh

 **i woke up like this:** yah

 **hunk-a-lovin:** that actually doesn't sound as cool anymore

 **i woke up like this:** I get to play loads more games tho it balances out

 **hunk-a-lovin:** is it you who beat my highscore on rainbow rd???

 **smol nerd:** hold the phone

 **i woke up like this:** . . .

 **i woke up like this:** guilty

 **hunk-a-lovin:** how dare you

 **hunk-a-lovin:** thats it im not makin cookies when i get back

 **i woke up like this:** shIT

 **smol nerd:** ooooooOOOOOOO

 **i woke up like this:** pidge my buddy my pal pls dont take his side

 **smol nerd:** too late

 **smol nerd:** I want hunks cookies more than I want to keep your friendship

_**i woke up like this** changed **smol nerd** 's name to **ex-friend**_

**ex-friend:** if this is the price I have to pay for life-changing taste explosions than so be it

 **i woke up like this:** I see how it is

 **hunk-a-lovin:** neither of you are getting anything if you keep arguing

 **ex-friend:** ugh

 **ex-friend:** wait

 **ex-friend:** lance do you know where hunk keeps his recipes

 **i woke up like this:** that would be a good idea but he literally just remembers them

 **hunk-a-lovin:** theyre all in my head-hole

 **ex-friend:** ffs hunk stop calling it a head-hole you did AP biology

 **hunk-a-lovin:** *did

 **hunk-a-lovin:** also booyah bitches aint no awesome cookies w/o me

 **ex-friend:** did you just

 **i woke up like this:** he really did

 **ex-friend:** I can't believe he just called us bitches

 **hunk-a-lovin:** guys stop acting like this is the first time this has happened

 **i woke up like this:** I think I might remember the recipe tho

 **i woke up like this:** I mean ive watched him make them so many times that has to count for something right

 **ex-friend:** all in favour of recreating hunks cookies without hunk say aye

 **i woke up like this:** aye

 **ex-friend:** aye

 **hunk-a-lovin:** this is a terrible idea and you're both going to burn the dorms down

 **hunk-a-lovin:** just putting that on record

 **i woke up like this:** o ye of little faith

 

///

 

_**i woke up like this** sent a photo_

**i woke up like this:** im sorry pidge I got bored

 **ex-friend:** lance

 **ex-friend:** lance how many batches did you make

 **i woke up like this:** like

 **i woke up like this:** fifteen

 **hunk-a-lovin:** how many batches of what?

 **ex-friend:** scroll up

 **ex-friend:** you might wanna be sitting down

 **i woke up like this:** guys seriously I cook at home chill

**hunk-a-lovin:**

**hunk-a-lovin:** I

 **ex-friend:** ikr

 **i woke up like this:** jfc this is no big deal

 **hunk-a-lovin:** I honestly didn't know you could cook

 **i woke up like this:** ?????

 **ex-friend:** yeah same I thought you burnt water

_**hunk-a-lovin** changed **i woke up like this** 's name to **star baker boy**_

**star baker boy:** k first off pidge I would like you to know I am v offended

 **star baker boy:** second hunk I am v flattered but I am too manly to be a star baker boy

 **ex-friend:** shit youre right

_**ex-friend** changed **star baker boy** 's name to **star baker child**_

**star baker child:** you know what

 **star baker child:** fuck you guys

 **star baker child:** im eating all of these by myself

 **hunk-a-lovin:** no wait

 **ex-friend:** WHERE IS YOUR COMMON SENSE

 **ex-friend:** YOU'LL BE SICK

 **star baker child:** you cant stop me

 **hunk-a-lovin:** drastic times call for drastic measures

 **ex-friend:** wait what does that mean

_**hunk-a-lovin** has added **Shiro** to the group chat **The Three Aminerds (Lance shut up Hunk doesn't care that aminerds doesn't sound like amigos)**_

**ex-friend:** oh fuck the big guns

 **hunk-a-lovin:** shiro pls stop lance from killing himself

 **Shiro:** What?

 **hunk-a-lovin:** lance's class got cancelled so and now he's eating fifteen batches of cookies

 **hunk-a-lovin:** in one sitting

 **ex-friend:** by himself

 **ex-friend:** the loner

 **star baker child:** you drove me to this point, pidge.

 **Shiro:** I'm very confused.

 **star baker child:** shiro I would definitely recommend scrolling up and getting some context so you can defend me from these bullies

 **star baker child:** also side note im v impressed w/your grammar etc

 **hunk-a-lovin:** hes right it's refreshing

 **star baker child:** v nice

 **Shiro:** Thank you?

 **Shiro:** It helps to remain professional at all times. First impressions are important.

 **star baker child:** dont worry abt first impressions w/us, man.

 **star baker child:** pidge is a nerd, im a beautiful human being who cannot judge people below himself or else he'd judge the whole earth, and hunk is too nice to judge ppl

 **ex-friend:** just to confirm no lance is not the ruler of the universe and yes he does get paid whenever the types the word judge

 **star baker child:** lies and slander I am the ruler of the known universe

 **ex-friend:** nope

 **star baker child:** this is why youre called ex-friend

_**ex-friend** changed their name to **EXCUSE YOU LANCE**_

_**star baker child** changed **EXCUSE YOU LANCE** 's name to **ex-friend**_

**ex-friend:** youre a terrible human being

 **star baker child:** man itd be cool to be paid just doing that tho I wish I was

 **hunk-a-lovin:** you could spam ppl and earn millions in one day

 **hunk-a-lovin:** judge judge judge

 **star baker child:** judge judge judge

 **ex-friend:** judge judge judge

 **hunk-a-lovin:** judge judge judge

 **star baker child:** judge judge judge

 **ex-friend:** judge judge judge

 **hunk-a-lovin:** judge judge judge

 **star baker child:** judge judge judge

 **ex-friend:** judge judge judge

 **Shiro:** Guys?

 **hunk-a-lovin:** judge judge judge

 **star baker child:** judge judge judge

 **ex-friend:** judge judge judge

 **hunk-a-lovin:** judge judge judge

 **star baker child:** judge judge judge

 **ex-friend:** judge judge judge

 **Shiro:** Hello?

 **hunk-a-lovin:** judge judge judge

 **star baker child:** judge judge judge

 **ex-friend:** judge judge judge

 **Shiro:** I hate to burst your bubbles, but none of you are earning any money doing this.

 **star baker child:** excuse

 **ex-friend:** JUDGE JUDGE JUDGE

 **star baker child:** that is my career choice youre talking abt

 **ex-friend:** thats v rude shiro how would you feel if we made fun of your career choice

 **Shiro:** Do any of you even know what my career choice is?

 **hunk-a-lovin:** you teach flying courses here at Altea University and have for two years, during which youve become rapidly popular and like 7493912974 ppl have asked you out

 **star baker child:** youre somehow still only classified as a ta which is dumb bc you cover any lessons iverson cant be bothered with (which is all of them)

 **ex-friend:** you wanted to fly yourself but there was prejudice against your prosthetic arm and you werent allowed in so you finished the course by yourself via the internet and stolen textbooks and started teaching here

 **Shiro:** The textbooks weren't stolen. I bought them.

 **ex-friend:** *later

 **star baker child:** is that literally the only issue you have with that

 **Shiro:** No. I'm very concerned about how much you all know about me despite only Lance ever taking my class and that was only for a year

 **ex-friend:** we have our ways

 **hunk-a-lovin:** guys you can tell he's creeped out he didn't have a full stop at the end

 **star baker child:** sorry shito

 **star baker child:** *shiro

 **ex-friend:** shito

 **hunk-a-lovin:** shito

 **star baker child:** shhhhh I dont think he noticed

 **ex-friend:** he noticed

 **hunk-a-lovin:** everybody noticed

 **star baker child:** hunk

 **star baker child:** my bro

 **star baker child:** my pal

 **star baker child:** my love

 **star baker child:** light of my life

 **hunk-a-lovin:** yes

 **star baker child:** how could you turn against me this way

 **ex-friend:** how come I dont get called light of my life

 **star baker child:** bc nobody loves you pidge

 **ex-friend:** excuse

 **Shiro:** I need Matt to deal with this.

 **ex-friend:** NO DONT ADD HIM

 **star baker child:** can he do that?

 **hunk-a-lovin:** I have no idea

 **ex-friend:** wait im taking away his adding privileges

 **star baker child:** go hacker girl go

_**star baker child** changed **ex-friend** 's name to **protector of this land**_

**hunk-a-lovin:** cant matt just hack into this chat himself

_**Shiro** has added **hacker voice** to the chat **The Three Aminerds (Lance shut up Hunk doesn't care that aminerds doesn't sound like amigos)**_

**protector of this land:** no I firewalled this chat ages ago

 **protector of this land:** fUCK

 **star baker child:** shit

 **hunk-a-lovin:** damn shiro must have hit all the buttons superfast

 **hacker voice:** I'm in

 **star baker child:** HE HAS MEMES

 **hunk-a-lovin:** LANCE NO DON'T GO TO THE OTHER SIDE

 **protector of this land:** HE DOESN'T HAVE COOKIES HE LIED

 **star baker child:** SHIT, HE DID!?

 **hacker voice:** well, I mean.

 **hacker voice:** I scrolled up, and it seems Lance has plenty of his own cookies to bring w/him

 **star baker child:** good point, well made

 **protector of this land:** LANCE DONT DO IT

 **hunk-a-lovin:** BUDDY THINK OF ALL THE GOOD TIMES WE SHARED

 **Shiro:** I added Matt to help but now I've lost my adding privileges and I'm even more confused than before.

 **hacker voice:** aww bby here have one of Lance's cookies to make yourself feel better

 **protector of this land:** *vomits loudly*

 **hunk-a-lovin:** you cant just go around giving away lances cookies like that

 **star baker child:** it's okay there are hardly any left anyway soon he won't have one to give

 **hunk-a-lovin:** YOU'RE STILL EATING THOSE???

 **protector of this land:** HOW COME YOU HAVEN'T BEEN SICK YET!?!?!?

 **Shiro:** Lance, please tell me you honestly haven't just eaten fifteen batches of cookies by yourself

 **star baker child:** I havent just eaten fifteen batches of cookies by myself

 **star baker child:** only fourteen and three quarters

 **hacker voice:** are you even human

 **protector of the land:** tbh I dont think he actually is

 **protector of the land:** he made fifteen batches of cookies in about half an hour

 **hunk-a-lovin:** teach me your secrets

 **star baker child:** used multiple shelves + switched em round + I asked if I could use the dorm across from us' oven too

 **protector of this land:** how come you spent the time to switch keyboards to get to the plus sign instead of literally just using proper grammar and punctuation

 **hacker voice:** ya dude what the fuck

 **hunk-a-lovin:** wait

 **hunk-a-lovin:** ive asked the guy in the dorm across from us before if I could use his oven and he said no every time then apologised, wished me luck, and shut the door

**star baker child:**

**protector of this land:**

**hacker voice:**

**Shiro:**

**hunk-a-lovin:**

**protector of this land:** am I the only one who thinks thats suspicious

 **star baker child:** I literally just used his oven and gave him three trays of cookies guys

 **hunk-a-lovin:** I dont know whats worse

 **hunk-a-lovin:** the guy in the dorm across from us letting you use his oven first time you asked when he hasnt let me any of the twenty times I did

 **hunk-a-lovin:** or you actually baked eighteen batches of cookies and only told us abt fifteen of them

 **protector of this land:** im voting giving three whole trays to the dude across the hall and not even allowing us to share one cookie

 **hunk-a-lovin:** not even a crumb

 **star baker child:** you literally thought I burnt water why should I give you any

 **hacker voice:** because we're your friends and we love you

 **star baker child:** matt I was literally encouraging pidge when she was trying to stop you joining this chat

 **Shiro:** stop living in the past lance

 **star baker child:** never

 **star baker child:** the past is my home now

 **star baker child:** wait

 **protector of this land:** I

 **hunk-a-lovin:** did he just

 **hacker voice:** omg

 **star baker child:** holy fuck shiro

 **hunk-a-lovin:** there were literally no capitals or punctuation in that whole message

 **hunk-a-lovin:** on purpose

 **protector of this land:** *loud whooping*

 **protector of this land:** LET CHO HAIR DOWN SHIRO

 **hacker voice:** I'm proud but also deeply saddened

 **hunk-a-lovin:** dont be saddened why are you saddened

 **star baker child:** tis a truly beautiful day for humanity dont be saddened

 **hacker voice:** I've been trying to get him to do this for nearly a year and he's been on your chat for five minutes and boom

 **hunk-a-lovin:** aww buddy

 **star baker child:** thats rough buddy

_**protector of this land** changed **hacker voice** 's name to **sad momma**_

**protector of this land:** there we go

 **star baker child:** lmao pidge

 **hunk-a-lovin:** pidge this man is saddened

 **sad momma:** deeply saddened

 **protector of this land:** cmon we were all thinking it

 **star baker child:** I was

 **hunk-a-lovin:** I mean yeah

 **sad momma:** rude

 **hunk-a-lovin:** am I the only one thinking this too

_**hunk-a-lovin** changed the group chat **The Three Aminerds (Lance shut up Hunk doesn't care that Aminerds doesn't sound like amigos)** 's name to **sad momma: deeply saddened**_

**star baker child:** not the only one thinking that, no

 **star baker child:** sad momma: deeply saddened, the sequel

 **protector of this land:** Sad Momma II: Deeply Saddened

 **sad momma:** shiro I'm being bullied

 **Shiro:** don't be melodramatic matt

 **sad momma:** I'm not even in the room w/you and I know you're rolling your eyes

 **Shiro:** shit I've been caught

_**sad momma** changed **Shiro** 's name to **busted**_

**star baker child:** k so this is all v heartwarming 10/10 would read again but does anyone know anything that makes you feel less sick v quickly

 **protector of this land:** jfc Lance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is trash
> 
> I had to recorrect my phone so many times when it put in an apostrophe for me it doesn't do it anymore what can I do to earn its love back it was only trying to help I'm sorry precious bby
> 
> EDIT: Holy shit people like this???
> 
> Also yes some of you asked - this _is_ multiple chapters, I just completely forgot to tick the box saying it did. Thanks for pointing it out! :D
> 
> UPDATE: I fixed the HTML! Wow my eyes hurt. Is b even a letter anymore it doesn't look like one save me


	2. Blackmail.jpg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pidge gets blackmail, Lance gets a proposition, and Keith gets. . . kind of embarrassed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Such a late update lmao
> 
> And it's so shitty??? And short???
> 
> Never mind I guess
> 
> Enjoy this piece of trash

**hunk-a-lovin:** so lance

 **star baker child:** hunk im in art somebody better be dying

 **protector of this land:** woah hunk

 **protector of this land:** cant you wait until our child is finished fingerpainting?

_**star baker child** has sent a photo_

**protector of this land:** shit

 **hunk-a-lovin:** woah

 **protector of this land:** okay I take it back that's amazing

 **star baker child:** its not done yet but thanks

 **star baker child:** so whats important enough to text me in art class for

 **sad momma:** wait what's so important about art

 **busted:** why can't Lance be interrupted?

 **sad momma:** also side question why is my name still sad momma

 **protector of this land:** matt my bro there's this little fact about computers you might want to know

 **sad momma:** whatever it is, I don't want to hear it from you and your patronising voice

 **star baker child:** too late bro

 **protector of this land:** usernames don't just reset themselves overnight

 **sad momma:** stop making the face

 **protector of this land:** what face

 **sad momma:** THE face

 **busted:** you can't see her face

 **star baker child:** please can we stop ending messages with the word face

 **star baker child:** use a synonym for once in your lives

 **protector of this land:** face

 **sad momma:** face

 **busted:** face

 **hunk-a-lovin:** face

 **star baker child:** I'm going to leave this chat in five seconds so if anyone has anything to say to me before I go say it now

 **hunk-a-lovin:** OKAY OKAY STAY W/US

 **hunk-a-lovin:** I SWEAR IT'S WORTH IT

**star baker child:**

**star baker child:** proceed

 **hunk-a-lovin:** so guess who I just spoke to

 **protector of this land:** me

 **protector of this land:** you just came in

 **sad momma:** then my guess is pidge

 **busted:** that does seem like the sensible option

 **hunk-a-lovin:** no no before that

 **hunk-a-lovin:** although I would like to know how you got into lance  & I's dorm in the first place

 **star baker child:** what???

 **protector of this land:** irrelevant, proceed

 **star baker child:** pIDGE

 **sad momma:** you broke into their dorm? I'm proud ur gettin a high five when I see you next

 **busted:** you broke into their dorm? I'm disappointed, Pidge, I thought you knew better than that

 **hunk-a-lovin:** I cant believe they sent those @ exactly the same time

 **star baker child:** what I cant believe is that their messages started exactly the same but held v different emotions

 **protector of this land:** lmao couple goals

_**sad momma** changed **protector of this land** 's name to **asshole**_

**asshole:** just statin fact here guys

 **star baker child:** as much fun as I am having I rly need to get back to art spit out w/e you have to say hunk

 **star baker child:** and I mean that in the nicest way possible

 **hunk-a-lovin:** I saw the guy from the dorm across from us as I came in

 **asshole:** oooooooOOOOOOOO

 **sad momma:** the plot thickens

 **busted:** what's his name?

 **hunk-a-lovin:** idk didn't ask

 **star baker child:** keith

**busted:**

**hunk-a-lovin:**

**asshole:**

**sad momma:**

**star baker child:**

**asshole:** lmao

 **star baker child:** shut up

 **star baker child:** also hunk???

 **hunk-a-lovin:** yes o great and powerful knower of names

 **star baker child:** that was definitely not worth interrupting art class for

 **asshole:** idk man I got some good blackmail out of it

 **star baker child:** shut up: round II

Lance sighs, switching back to Spotify then turning his phone off and putting it back on the counter carefully. He turns back to his sketch and ignores the way his screen lights up every few seconds as notifications come in about the messages in the group chat, no doubt discussing Keith the Oven-Sharing Neighbour and the circumstances Hunk met him in.

Lance can figure out how it went. He bets Hunk said hi, Keith the Oven-Sharing Neighbour replied with something similar, and a friendly conversation was carried out until Keith (their friendly Oven-Sharing Neighbour) could leave politely. He didn't seem to be much of a social guy; the whole time Lance was in his dorm for - which was, really, all of five minutes - he'd just sat vaguely nearby and read. Occasionally Lance would look up from moving trays around and spot his head moving rapidly in his peripheral vision, but every time he was met with Keith looking like he hadn't moved for fifty billion years bar turning the page.

He taps his pencil against his sketchbook absently. There hadn't been much by way of food in Keith's dorm - his cupboards had been pretty much bare when Lance had swept through them in search of a knife, mostly ramen and instant noodles, and he somehow doubted the guy's fridge was much better off.

Maybe Lance could take some food over, pretend he made too much? Some proper noodles, maybe, or some kind of stir fry, because those foods would definitely be liked, and then maybe if need called for it again Lance could slowly expand his range.

By the end of the art lesson, Lance has done practically nothing more in regards to his work, but he's got a plan of action primed and ready to go in his head for Keith the Oven-Sharing Neighbour.

\--

Of course, this means that his plan goes to shit as soon as he gets home. Hunk and Pidge should both have gone to their Mechanics class (taught by a guy called Coran, who was eccentric at best but knew the ins and outs of something just from looking at it) by the time he hauled his coursework back from the art other of campus, but somehow they were still there. Lance could hear their voices.

And secondly?

Keith bursts out of his door, apparently having been watching for him.

"Hey!" He yells, even though Lance is so close to him he had to brake sharply in order to not hit him with his art book. "Cookie boy!"

The voices inside Lance's dorm room go quiet, then start giggling. His phone starts vibrating incessantly in his pocket, no doubt a running commentary of some kind.

Lance ignores it. _"Cookie boy?"_

Keith has the grace to look sheepish. "You never told me your name."

"I did too," Lance argues.

"I don't remember it, then."

Lance nearly splutters at the bluntness. "You don't -" He closes his eyes and rubs the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "Lance. My name is Lance. Please don't call me cookie boy ever again, I don't deserve the shit my friends'll give me if they catch hold of it. Especially after the binge-baking incident."

Keith shuffles his feet. "Yeah, about that -"

Lance sends a tired look his way. "Look, if you want to give the cookies back, then no way, they're payment for letting me use your oven fifty thousand times. If you want to pay me or something, then suck it up, buttercup, do me a favour later and we'll call it even - dude, whatever you just muttered, I did _not_ hear it."

Keith clears his throat with a slight blush. "I was actually going to ask if you could. . ." He trails off into mumbling again, a fiery blush overtaking his face.

Lance taps his foot for a second, then decides to take some of the weight off the poor guy, name memory skills or no. "You were going to ask if I could. . . ?"

"Ifyoucouldteachmehowtocook."

Lance blinks. "What?"

Keith makes a pained noise at the ceiling.

Lance waves his hands frantically. "No, no, I heard you, I just don't get why."

Keith relaxes, but he's watching Lance out of the corner of his eye like he's waiting for a rejection.

"Like," Lance says, "now?"

There's a moment of consideration (Lance doesn't get the impression Keith thought he'd get this far), than a decisive nod.

"Okay," Lance says, deciding that thinking reasons over is for losers and he can be one of those later. "Sure, yeah. Lemme just drop my stuff off -"

"You can take them in with you if you want?" Keith offers quietly. "I know your friends are in your dorm. They'll probably ambush you or something, and then I'll be stuck miserably eating ramen for the rest of my life."

That startles a laugh out of Lance, and he steps into Keith's dorm with a lopsided grin and recipes in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAM BAM SHIFT FROM CHAT TO NORMAL NARRATION
> 
> HOW WAS THAT FOR YOU GUYS???
> 
> I THINK IT'S KINDA CLUNKY SO I MIGHT REVISIT IT LATER BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEAS ON THAT FRONT RN SO YEAH


	3. What The Hell Happened To Your Pan, Dude?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance attempts to teach Keith how to cook, and a deal is struck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so much fun to write. Your support was amazing as well. I don't know why y'all like this so much, but you sure seem to. You're the best, you know that?
> 
> Also - I'm meant to be doing an English essay. Why does this always happen?
> 
> Lemme explain the dorms really quickly:
> 
> I'm British, so I have zero idea what dorms are like in America, and I honestly couldn't be bothered to do the huge amount of research I would have had to to find out that it _is_ like. Sorry, not sorry. So just picture it like this: apartment buildings. Boom, you're there. The university has like four or five whole apartment buildings for students to live in scattered around the city, that's it, Lance  & Hunk share one and Keith has one to himself. If you want me to try explain their layout then ask and I can put it in the notes for the next chapter, aight?
> 
> Nice, cool, ENJOY THE CHAPTER!

"So," Lance says. He shoulders the door shut behind him and leans an A2 sketchbook, a tote bag and a skateboard against a random piece of furniture without looking. "What d'you wanna learn to cook? Got anything in mind?"

Keith mulls it over. Pasta is simple, right? But then there's the whole issue of sauce, and additions, and whether or not it's cooked properly or not, and the inevitable search for the right pan before ultimately giving up generally or just going out and buying one. He tries to think of any dishes that have literally zero margin for error and comes up blank.

"What's easy?" he settles on saying.

Lance laughs like he's a little startled, and blatantly ignores his phone when it lights up a rectangle in his pocket and starts pinging a second later. "Depends on your definition. Stir-fry's pretty simple."

Keith wracks his brain for what goes into a stir fry and finds only tumbleweed and the faint, optimistic thought that maybe he can try and swap out his failure for instant noodles at the end, when Lance isn't looking, which he dismisses after a second of consideration. He can improve on failures; he can't keep trying to improve instant noodles.

"Brief disclaimer," he says in warning. "I have, in the past, allegedly burned water."

Lance laughs again, but it sounds less startled and more comfortable. (Keith wonders how a simple noise can make his dorm room seem brighter and warmer in less than a second.) Something Keith wants to call recognition flashes across his face just before he laughs, like Keith's sentence made him think of something, but the already-faint surprise fades quickly and Keith is left wondering.

"Look, buddy," Lance smiles, raising his hands up to shoulder height in the universal defensive position. "I'm not promising you're gonna be the next. Gordon Ramsay. Nobody can replace that legend, and anyone who thinks they can is a goddamn idiot sandwich. But I can try and swap out at least _some_ of your shameful intake of ramen for real food." His phone goes off in his pocket.

Keith's not quite sure what part of that to address first. "Theoretically, ramen counts as real food. It must do. Otherwise I'd be dead."

"And long live the Ramen King," Lance declares. His phone pings yet again. He ignores it. His eyes scan the counter but apparently come up short of whatever he's looking for. "Doth thy Noodle-y Highness have any kind of cooking implements at all?"

Ping.

Actually, no. It's more of a flurry. Keith's curiosity is increasing faster than anyone could spell (ha) Quidditch.

"I think maybe my brother left some when he visited last," Keith says doubtfully. He remembers Shiro's pleading look, the silent _for the love of God stop ruining your health with instant noodles and cup-a-soups, I can't stand to watch your standards deteriorate any longer._ He'd probably explode with enthusiasm and brotherly support if he found out about this.

"You have a brother?"

"Mm. Adopted. Nags me to be healthy."

There are a couple of footsteps, then a squeak as Lance sits himself on a barstool. "Hate to say it, mullet-head, but he seems to be pretty on-the-ball about this whole healthy thing. I'd consider listening to him."

Keith rolls his eyes into the cupboard he's rifling through. "Yeah, sure. Because everyone should go to the gym four times a week like he does. Besides, I don't think I can exactly be classed as overweight."

"Sounds like a guy I know, 'cept the dude I know runs every morning on top of that," Lance says wisely. "And nah, you're like a twig. Could snap you in half and nobody'd be overly shocked."

Ping.

"Nobody'd be overly shocked about my grisly murder?" Keith clarifies dryly, poking his head above the cupboard door to raise an eyebrow Lance's way. "Jesus, who did I let in, the kid who baked cookies a couple weeks ago or a completely psychopathic axe murderer?"

Ping, ping, ping.

"Stop twisting things out of proportion." Lance is grinning in amusement as he complains, though, so Keith isn't too worried about offending him.

He yanks a battered frying pan out from the deep, dark back recesses of his cupboard triumphantly, holding it in the air like a flag. "Got it!"

"Score!" Lance cheers, leaning over and grabbing it before turning it over and over a little. He even tests the handle for wiggling before he hands it back. "Just how beat up is this thing, anyway?"

"Hey, don't knock it," Keith complains. "It's just some scuffs, nothing that'll get in food."

Keith can practically see the words _"some scuffs"_ looping over and over in Lance's head as he transfers his stare to the pan. It's dented and banged up so much the circle of the lip of it looks more like an oval drawn by somebody who drunkenly forgot what they were doing halfway through than an actual circle. There are so many scuffs and scrapes and scratches it's more silver than black.

"I reserve the right to say _I told you so_ when the dorm block explodes," Lance says slowly.

///

Keith comes away after three hours with a half-passable stir fry, some charred cookies, and a surge of appreciation for moms everywhere.

Lance leans over his counter, scrawling on a couple of sheets of paper. Keith can't see what he's writing, too busy juggling two handfuls of cookies (he doesn't have any plates to spare) and his fridge door, but when he stuffs the burnt biscuits in and straightens again Lance is grinning at him.

"I don't think I've ever seen anyone fumble their way through any dish quite so badly," he says. "I can't believe we tried that stir fry six times. My seven year-old sister can do that exact same recipe in her sleep."

Keith rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, I'm unteachable, mock me all you want -"

"I wouldn't say you're _unteachable,"_ Lance drawls. He puts one hand on his hip and cocks it to one side, still grinning. "More. . . that you seriously need to stop stabbing at everything with the spatula. They're not exactly out to control the universe, dude. You don't need to kill them. They're just vegetables."

"So maybe I moved them around too hard," Keith starts.

Lance bursts out laughing. "That's the understatement of the century."

Keith glares, then continues. "But I'm not the one who said _listen to the way they thunder around the pan._ Like, seriously" - he throws his hands up - "what does that even _mean?"_

Lance is too busy laughing to answer, but he manages to give Keith a half-shrug. (Both of them ignore the pings.) When he winds down, he says, "It's just the way I was taught, I guess. Listen to the food, know when it's ready without having to use a clock. It's not going to work for everyone. You just need to find the way you like to cook."

He smiles genuinely, and Keith feels his heart clench.

_Shit._

It was bad enough that Keith had got distracted by this guy's muscles when he was switching around the trays of cookies in his oven a couple of days ago. Lance didn't look particularly muscular, but he was built subtly, all lean grace and quiet speed. His arms had shown a hint of it when he'd held two cookie trays in the same hand while he moved the third up a couple of levels. Keith had managed to do absolutely zilch the whole time Lance was there, although he had managed to pretend he was well enough to hide his oogling. And today, when Lance had managed to find the ingredients for another batch while Keith was puzzling over his fourth attempt at a stir fry. . .

Keith wasn't usually one to fawn over muscles or strength, but he blamed that entirely for why he had to start over yet again.

It also doesn't help that Lance is like literal sunshine. He smells like rain and lightning and the ocean, and his smile both warms and lights up the room. His bouncy personality and general ability to find the joy in everything makes Keith feel lighter, like Lance has dispelled something he didn't even know he was carrying for a while. He's giddy with it, smiling more and laughing at jokes he might usually scoff at.

God, this is horrific. Why did he ask for this again?

Keith rolls his eyes, dragging his attention back to the conversation. "I wonder if I, too, will survive on cookies alone, like you."

Lance narrows his eyes. "Look, _pal,_ just because that's the only thing you've seen me cook -"

Keith raises a sceptical eyebrow wordlessly.

Lance makes what is quite possibly the most offended face Keith has ever seen. "How dare you insinuate whatever you are trying to. I don't know what it is, precisely, but I think you should know I'm greatly offended."

Keith turns around and, quickly, scrawls out a table on the whiteboard next to his fridge. _Keith_ goes on the right, in red pen, and _Lance_ on the left in blue. Lance is silent while Keith puts the first mark of a tally underneath his own name, and when he turns around his narrowed eyes have transferred themselves from Keith to the board, and his face has slipped from outrage to confusion.

"What is that?"

"It's a board to record how many points were proved," Keith says, trying not to smirk and failing. "That tally is staying on my side until you can prove you don't just eat cookies."

Lance's face looks, if it were possible, even more outraged than before. "Oh, it is _on._ I'm proving it to you, whether you like it or not."

"Oh yeah?" Keith leans forwards and rests his elbows on the island, eyebrows raised. He can feel the challenge dancing in his eyes and pulling up the corners of his mouth. "How are you gonna do that?"

Lance seems to consider it for a minute, and then, "I'm gonna cook for a week, and bring you your own serving of whatever I make."

Free food for a week? Keith can get behind that.

"Deal," he says, sticking his hand out.

"Deal," Lance echoes, eyes blazing with determination as he takes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please spare a moment to imagine Keith frantically trying to put out a fire in his saucepan as Lance just sits there with his head on his hands wondering how it's even possible to set noodles on fire
> 
> ALSO YES BOTH OF THEM ARE BLUSHING AS THEY SHAKE HANDS YES YES YES

**Author's Note:**

> trash, i tell you
> 
>  
> 
> Fancy screeching at me like a pterodactyl with a broken heart? [I welcome you to my tumblr.](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/total-master-of-geekiness)


End file.
